Listen

listen, I still don’t really have the words for it.

it’s a little bit like that one night, the one where solely the memory of it leaves a warm, balmy impression in the dank dampness of your heart.
there was no momentous event, no divine intervention.
rather, there was simply just a most beautiful lack of perfection;
each and every fallen star left unnoticed, swallowed whole by the Earth, for you did not need the good fortune of dying meteors or the string-pulling of superstitious deities.
it’s that one night you can’t help but reminisce on when you need something to hold you.
it’s that one night where in the burning twilight you fell in love with your own life.
even the parts of yourself you did not quite agree with.
simply because they were there with you and bored witness to that wondrous feeling
the joyous inkling that you were an eternal source of creative and effervescent energy
that someone would surely understand one day
that one night, where it felt like the universe was looking at you with loving kaleidoscopic eyes and held your hand and you that it was okay that you existed .

and it’s also kind of like that one night
where you marveled at the filthy griminess of your own hands
holding them close to your face like an ignorantly enlightened child
who was terribly frightened of the dark, begging for the sun
questioning which part of you led to this moment
and you scrubbed at them until they bled and they did not become clean
instead you stared at your reflection in the mirror
resigned when the answers did not present themselves
and waited for the falling stars to come with cold, wet hands no one would ever wish to hold.

see, that’s kind of what you are to me
that sense of burning wonder clashing against cold, frozen hands

the feeling that my heart is being filled with lukewarm water
and everything, everything is being washed away
the stardust and the broken glass and the blood in the sink
all lost; dearly departed counterparts
the good and the bad, the yin and the yang
and I am not convinced that that is what I want

but, I still see you when I close my eyes at night
I still see you in the background of both of those nights
I still remember dancing with you in the humble glow of a happy night, fearless in the utter darkness
and I still feel you holding my shaking hand as the sun slowly, finally came up

~e.lotus

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